When the whole Bachchan clan was out on twitter trying to get suggestions for their kid's name, I was actually thinking they should name her "Gumnam" or "Unanmed". Just so that you know, all those who did send suggestions; you suck monkey ballls if you thought they were going to pick the name you proposed.

The reason behind my thought process is the way kids actually beat the shit out of other kids mental stability making them the butt of all jokes. And this has always been a tradition at school. A unique/weird/funny name. A messed up / degenerate lineage. These are all disasters in making for the future of kids. I cant even start to imagine how tough Abhishek Bachchan and Aishwarya Rai's daughter will have it at school.

Consider this:

• Her Mom was Miss World and then ended up doing movies like Aa Ab Laut Chalen with pension seekers like Rajesh Khanna and Jaspal  Bhatti. Housekeeping turned actor Akshaye Khanna. Then she goes on to have a very talked about affair with a man who in the current date is a day away from phasing out his genitals into excretory organs only. The oldest strong short man of Bollywood who then passes the baton to a man who could film a documentary which will be watched more than the Self Destruction of Ultimate Warrior; and frankly more than all his films put together. She then marries a man who wears pants on his chest and thinks hes can live his entire life on commercials from a single brand that signed him up the day they thought he will make it big in the an industry he was never wanted in. She then lives by the same principle of making ends meet with a single brand endorsement. The only time she gets to don designer gowns is when some Dharavi store plugs a label they got from Bhindi Bazaar to a gown they purchased from Ulhas Nagar and sends it to her to wear at Cannes. She gets an invite from the film meet because she is the only Indian before Anil Kapoor who made a complete fool of herself in a Hollywood flick. A sequel of a successful franchise that people want to laugh remembering when they see her at the festivals. She carries her arm candy, read the other single endorsement parasite, because there is only one white tuxedo they ever stitched in the world with pants that have to fit on the chest; and he needs an occasion to wear it apart from days he plays butler to his father.

• Her Dad is a legend in himself. Someone who dared enter the movie industry at an age when most actors like Suniel Shetty found some maturity and still makes a standing fool and example of himself. Whose best friends are Ritesh Deshmukh and Goldie Behl who cant give him more than Drona and bad haricuts and stupid re-tweets. This guy has presented epics like Refugee, Dhai akshar prem ke, Dhoom, Bas itna sa khwab hai, Players and a whole lot of movies that had their DVDs rotting in the aisles and then the attics of stores. If someone looks for a torrent for a movie that our legend has acted in, torrent sources actually look for you, buy originals DVDs of good movies and send them to you. Just so that you know what to look for the next time. This has man is not slapped by the traffic police everytime he is seeing at a signal only because his father did some good work in movies and is still belting out some good stuff. The only reason this guy has a car and is not travelling by buses and trains is because his father is still earning when his other pension earning peers are chilling on their rocking chairs and sipping on that tea. Everyone thinks there is crowd outside the Bachchan residence to meet Mr. Amitabh Bachchan. But the fact of the matter is they are all there to plead Amitabh to either disown Abhishek or fix him up with a juice stall at juhu beach so he could atleast get his rickshaw fare in place. This man has the talent to touch anything and turn it to shit. He is a born genius. He is an embarrassment to nature (credit: Ice Age 1). Amitabh Bachchan making frequent trips to the hospital is not really un-well. He is trying to get some alone time and stay away from crap-idol.
  

If I can make a rock solid attempt at not cursing and making it sound not bad for these two, imagine what kids in school and college can do to the daughter with their freedom of speech. She would have had a safer bet being Un-named. But now that she has a name, she'd rather get home schooled.

There is another thing we need to consider. Amitabh Bachchan is almost 70 now. Im giving him a good 10 more at the max. In the same 10 years, I dont see Abhishek getting any movies or atleast pulling off any that make any monetary sense to anyone. Sr. will start consuming his pension in  more. Jr. with his lifestyle and the property maintenance and up-keep alone will run them out of their fortune in the next 5 years. So effectively by the end of Sr. Jr will be looking for an office boy job in an ITES firm. He wont have a problem finding one because he will not be recognized, provided he wears his pants on his waist. That's a real give away. If you are thinking Fat Bean Bachchan (formerly Aishwarya Rai) will make the money they need from movies and endorsements she does. I'm sorry but i dont see any amount of liposuction (or any other suction) get her any kind of movies. Now, provided their daughter will not be home-schooled, she will definitely be looking for a job in an IT / ITES company. No, no other movie banner will want to give her a shot at movies because of what they have seen the flying colors (read shit) the parents have come up with. And ofcourse the Bachchan brand would be long lost by then.

So in the next 2 decades if you are interviewing a female with a name ending in Bachchan, it might not be cheesy to ask if her parents were actors at any point in their life. If yes, the interview goes to a psychological level then, by the end of which you might either recommend sessions, or might take sessions.

I want to know who the fkk conducts surveys that brand India as the 4th or 5th or whatever rank we are in the top 10 happy nations. And then they base it on the number of people smiling on a daily basis. I personally dont see so many people smiling. As a matter of fact, I see more frowns and sad people. The ones who are smiling, either read this post or are thinking on the same lines.

Till Then..

For a World where everyone house has an oil well.

If you ever thought I would say that in this life time you might also be see an entire generation of genetically advanced hairless Indians with dicks bigger than an Iphone. To set things straight I have always loved Bombay and I may end up dying a natural death saying the same thing. I will also never accept the city as Mumbai and it will always remain Bombay for me, so deal with it.

I'm not sure how many might relate to what I am about to rant. This might not be a direct indication of one's intellect or his/her capabilities to decide things for oneself. But at some time everyone meets people who like hating the city they live in, and they take it as a serious hobby. It is the only form of primary intellectual masturbation some might get when they ask : "Ok, you tell me what do you like about this city? I just want to leave". My first response, and any first response is usually to ask them why they are still here. Not that there is a radioactive epidemic everywhere else that keeps you here.

To start with of the 30 years I have inhabited the earth and tried to deplete the natural and food resources, I've spent more than 2 decades falling in love with Bombay over and over again, one day at a time. If a few bad roads, a few slums can make you feel bad about the city that gives you uninterrupted power supply, awesome public transport, food, supplies and anything else you need at any point in the day, people that offer help at the drop of a hat; im really not sure what you are setting as your benchmark.

Living in a city and hating it, for me is like buying a short tee-shirt and pulling it down every now and then because you think your ass crack might make a sighting. Its like a girl who wears a tee with a slogan and when people want to read it they feel letched at. You made your choices and even if you didnt, and you were born in this city; you still can make your choice. Go to a place you think is a better city than bombay. Or wait. Is it so that you hate the country all together. I'm not dealing with that right now, ill tackle that another day. I might have to be on sedatives to make sure i dont curse.

So the question still remains. Why are we still here? The answer is obvious and emerged the unanimous winner from a poll conducted among all my limited sensibilities, restricted brain power and anything else, i might not be good at; Pick another city to live in. Going by sheer averages, the number of people I came across in the last decade among family, friends, acquaintances who hate bombay; had they left the city we would also be answering the primary cause of concern these people had in the first place. Population in the city. If I may earnestly ask you to please follow your gut and leave this city, will you do it. No you wont. I guess its a problem that infests all of us, including me. We are beautifully trained to identify problems through the grades of education we run through, but we seldom want to be part of the solution. We love delegation. We all want better security for ourselves, but we dont want to take up police jobs. There is one cop for more than a 1000 people in bombay.

I believe, and firmly so that most whiners would not leave the city even though the hate grows with every morning they wake up in the city because they have families who have worked all their lives in bombay through jobs, businesses and other means to make livings. they would complain too but never leave. Taking into account that most indian families are non-nuclear till date, we would have a situation because the people in question would need to go grounds up in a new city. Chicken might be the word to use. Take a test, move out of bombay and live in a delhi, noida or even a tier 2 city. Try nagpur for fkk sake and see if you can make a calendar year without wanting to come back to bombay. I bet my balls you will. Fkk I'll give my domain name to you if you dont.

I feel strongly about my city and even if education and work must have taken me to different cities over the last decade or so, the distance only makes me love the city all the more. I dont hate you or the reasons you hate the city, you are intelligent enough to understand your choices, but a choice is what is not made. It makes me dig out an email a friend wrote to us after bombay was being called a hapless city after a terrorist attack and some started shit slinging through forwarded emails. Thought, i'll share it with people here. I know the length of the this blog is more than the number of words on your american admission transcripts, but what the fkk:
"

My dad moved here in 1967 when he was 21 from a rural place and has sweated it out ever since, head bowed down, working hard each day, grateful to the city, the culture. He is a proud man today. He tells me stories from some of his olden days. The chawls, sharing rooms, the food. He loves the trains, the buses. He plays the radio everyday with old songs, and I think he goes back to his early days of toil in this city. Never have I heard him blame the city.

I have thanked heavens many a time for that moment when my Dad took that decision of moving to this city. I think his reaction at such a time matters.

Mumbai is about people. You find characters, personalities, this confidence which others in our country envy. I have lived in Gujarat for 4 years, Rajasthan for 2 and I have felt this sense of respect just because I am from Mumbai. Plus I have relatives spread out, and they send out a similar signal.

I felt like writing this because I have always felt out of place with such outbursts. I would never understand why some of my colleagues during our international travel would talk negatively about our country at the drop of a hat. When economists, global leaders, thinkers talk so highly of what we have in store. You take so much from the people you meet when you travel, and what a wrong way to represent where you come from. I also felt like writing because there are Non Mumbaikars on the thread, and it pains to see a wrong message sent out to them.

Some of the most 'livable' cities are plain boring. Mundane. Pretty showpieces. Ironed well. Old money from colonies they conquered and fed their planners well, who created such marvels. Your jaw drops at the planning. But why do they bore me out? And their rulers wouldn't have taken a backward step in their growth heydays if they felt attacked. They had an eye for an eye.

And what about security. Pick up a lonely planet and they warn you about thugs and late night crime in a lot of the big global cities. I am out late hours and things are smooth here.

I am deeply attached to Mumbai, it has given me everything. I would be half the man without this attachment, something would go horribly missing if I stop feeling it. A lot of this anti-mumbai sentiment is spreading, but hey choose your enemy well. The traffic snarls will all go away. The city is your friend.

"

Till then..

For a world where memories would self-destruct in 5 minutes

The last time I decided to write something on Mr. Arya’s blogspot, many thought that it was too personal and that I was a complete a**hole for doing something like that.  So I did some soul searching and turns out that I am in fact an a**hole, and I am proud to be one.

Anyway after much contemplation, I have decided to put pen on paper again, or rather my fat, ill-maintained fingers on the keyboard again. I am someone who has never been in a relationship for long, apart from my first girlfriend with whom I was with for 3 years. The maximum time I have been with a woman is a little over a year. I am not boasting about anything here, neither am I talking about any phobia from commitment. But what I would like to do here is ponder over being in a relationship altogether, as compared to having friends with benefits.

Now most of my close friends would tell me that I am writing this piece because I have never found true love. Maybe that is correct, but you have to understand my friends that every time I was dating someone, I convinced myself that I was in love with her. I told myself numerous times this girl is perfect and that I would not get anyone better than her to spend the rest of my life with. Then I would start naming our kids and she would run away. Or it could even so happen that I would start nitpicking, and the smallest of habits of my better half at that point would drive me nuts. Again, the optimists would argue that I have never found true love. But my question is why should I or anyone for that matter, even look for true love?

Let us talk about relationships to begin with:

The Chase:

Oh I love this part. It is the only thing I can give to relationships. But then again, when you think about it, you have to chase your friend to convince him/her to sleep with you with no strings attached. So I take that point back from relationships.

Most men (apart from my married friends) would like to be with a good looking woman. Of course good looks may be subjective, but in their head she has to be good looking. Compatibility is overrated for us, and we really don’t care. If I were given a choice between a girl who is as compatible with me as Bhalla and Robert were, and Roshan Khambatta, I would pick Roshan Khambatta any freaking day.

I would like to reveal a small secret here that most men themselves might not know; all of us want trophy wives. Don’t deny it. If that were not the case, why the hell do you people go to the girl’s house in an arranged marriage scenario? If you are looking for true love, and looks don’t matter, talk to the girl on the phone and get married to her without ever seeing her. So what if she may have a beard and 3 boobs? She is your soul mate, right?

Even when it comes to the chase you only go after the “good looking” ones. Now here is the girl’s side. A girl, more often than not, would chase a guy if she sees a future. For example:

·         If she sees a guy who is good looking, she will think, “oh this guy is so cute. We will have such beautiful babies”.

·         If she sees a guy playing with kids, “Oh my God, he will be such an amazing father to my kids”.

·         If she sees a strong guy, “I can definitely make him do some chores around the house, and make him do the groceries all the time”.

·         If she sees a combination of all of the above, “He is going to be my slave for the rest of his life.”

The Relationship:

You know the worst part about being in a relationship? The relationship! Seriously, it sucks ass. You are tied down, you have differences which you have to “learn to adjust to”, or learn to “live with”, or even worse “make some sacrifices”. Screw that!

 

Now I would like to talk about the dream relationship for every single man, Friends with Benefits:

If anyone saw the promos for the movie with the same title, and if you see what Justin Timberlake does to Mila Kunis at some award function on stage to promote the movie, you would be sold right there on the concept! I would not have to explain shit. Unfortunately, not everyone has the time to search for all videos that can get a man’s blood pumping to the correct parts and so I would have to elaborate a bit.

FWBs have existed since a long time but these days, more and more people are getting into it. Be it the influence of the west, or be it not everyone having Idea 3G, people want to do it. As explained above, the process of getting into a relationship is too long, and too time consuming. Finding someone who just wants to do it with no strings attached, much much faster. Tough choice isn’t it? NOT.

FWBs are like the duck laying golden eggs. You can get a golden egg every time you want, and you can never fathom killing it. People up in North India are staunch believers in the FWB ideology I suppose. They consider every girl their friends and try to get some benefits. Unfortunately, they are unable to explain this to cops or journalists alike, and they end up being termed rapists.

FWBs may have its drawbacks too. Usually, one of the two involved tends to develop feelings which may sooner or later screw up that friendship. But the simple solution is to have an out clause where as soon as one person develops feelings, the other person can say, “you are out!” or “chal nikkal” as I would put it.

Coming back to the main question in hand, which should one go for? People in relationships may argue that in relationship you can share your feelings, your frustrations with your better half. But isn’t that what friends are for? Be it of the same sex or of the opposite sex? Friends are there in your life to support you through your ups and downs, so why the hell do you have to date someone for that?

My take is that man was not meant to be monogamous is my take. What is yours? 

 

Whoever the fkk made those smileys on IM windows and other silly applications didnt know what the average human looked like..or if it was supposed to be a depiction of a happy face always and not a real face, i totally got it wrong...Nonetheless, I'll still say they were idiots to not have done their research..

It starts with another one of my problems..to figure out problems I might have. I had this thing to keep looking at myself in the mirror closely at that and try to figure out if I had a problem smiling. This stems from the fact that I had really stopped smiling...things are a tad bit better now. During this experiment of mine, I found out I did smile but it didnt come across as one because I always thought a smile would have an upward curve..Exactly..this is what most of you thought too. But its not the case.

For some fkking reason the points where the upper and lower lips converge didnt create the right shape and thus i couldnt smile right..No..its wasnt that big and issue, but if I think of it like I am the only odd ball with it, I might start feeling a bit weird. The next normal human step would be to start observing how shit works with others. I starting by people I met daily, walked around with, people I didnt know, family, photos on social networks, news papers and I was doing my research on practically every body. Now, apparently I wasnt the only fkked up dude with a far from normal facial abnormality. Almost 2 in 6 people had the point of convergence of their lips pointing downwards that made their smile look like a frown.

Fkkk.. really.. it makes a smile look like a frown. I was so fascinated with this theory of mine that I went around finding people with a similar disfigured smile and told them about it. daaiiimm.. anyways they had a smile that didnt look like a smile, now they didnt have a reason to smile. Life was just turning around for these people because i spent 5 minutes looking at myself in the mirror.

I always had a plan to start a company that had products similar to microsoft, the word, the ppt, the exel and I wanted to pop-up an abuse everytime there was an error instead of a red sine wave under the word. The new smile discovery made me believe I can also start an IM app that suggests a smiley to the user based on the smile that he/she had, fetching this info from his/her webcam. Fkkk that shit.. Im really demented..

Life has not changed as much till date. I still fancy my discovery and keep looking at people in the lift, in malls and other places..I guess I will till I discover something else.

Till Then..

For Life Like Internet

 

Are you fkkking educated or did your parents just waste their hard-earned (that’s an assumption that can easily fall flat) money on something you didn’t deserve in the first place. Has the advent of discovery channel, discovery science and google not had an impact on your life and sensibilities?

 

These are the kind of questions I think I should ask people who ask me the dreaded question..Are You Gay? No, seriously. I have nothing against people who are Gay, so to say. (you know I wrote that for poetic pleasure. That’s the only poetry I can do in this lifetime) I use the word to describe a lot of things like texting, cycling, shopping and things that I think I am not good at. I had read / heard somewhere that taking offense to gay comments is gayer. I know it all sounds like shit right now, but the fact that I use the word without hesitation without the intent to poke fun at the tendencies of a person, makes me feel im better off.

 

Better than the class of people I described above who ask me if I’m gay because I’m not married. I seriously hope the next generations of these people who got married at the age of 20 odd because they had nothing else to do in life, be Gay. Actually, fkkk it they might just kill the kid for his tendencies. Tell me this, dumb-fuck how does not marrying make someone gay. Oh, I get it. Because your dad told you that you should be getting married and humping your wife by the age of 20, you should be joining the family business by 18 and have a kid by 21. By the time you are 22, your wife is still 20 (yeah face it), she has a kid a full time housewife job to do, and you can now have the fkking time of your life, because you just completed 3 out of your 4 major responsibilities of adulthood. FUCKING, BREEDING, RUINING ANOTHER LIFE. Blooody genius you need to be to get your shit in order already. 23 and now you run around bars at night as your wife struggles to keep up with your maa, paa and the waste of a sperm you produced. You are officially DONE, like in monster garage. (for those who don’t know, when a project was completed they show a DONE sign on it. This guy has just the sign you want to see). 25 and now you are now trying to connect with the real world outside your friends who have also successfully completed their 3 responsibilities and are now a complete man and son for their maa and paa. This real world would be through the internet which so far has been used only during wasted offices hours at the family business to see the cricket scores and to stalk women on social networks. Bravo you have now graduated and now you look to connect with people you knew years back and what better medium than the same old social network.

This time around you are here to flaunt the perfect life and the perfect wife, the perfect kid, the perfect business, the perfect vacation pictures. But unfortunately there are other things to do which people have been upto and you don’t understand the need for it. Its ok, we don’t force you to. Its not something you can think is important or worthwhile, because it is not something your friends have done thus far. The same friends, if I may say this, have an IQ lesser than their shoe size. But its ok, its understood if you don’t understand what I do for a living, its ok if you don’t understand why I live like I live, its NOT FKKIN OK if you start asking me things I don’t want you to be comfortable enough to ask. Your gonads wouldn’t grow in size if you got a YES to the gay question, that you thought would be the only obvious reason for me not getting married.

 

Why does it become so fkking necessary to comply with standards set by someone, I don’t even know from my gene-pool forget direct relation for once. Why does everyone want to see all the shit in the same light. Some shit is black, some brown, some green, some with undigested shit in them, some fluid, some that hold no water. Why does it become important for all to get married. Why does someone who not marry have to deal with the deal about taking the family gene pool further. Why does it have to come down to reproduction. Don’t we already have enough. Why does everyone have to give you shit about companionship. Why do some have to question tendencies.

 

These are the same set of people who come across as my comic relief. Motherfkkers can seriously be funny when talked about later.

 

Oh, and the 4^th responsibility these dick wads work towards, get the next generation of dim wits married. Same old cycle, 20-25.

 

Till Then..

 

Eat Shit.

** Contributed by : Anish Sadanandan

Alcohol has pretty much become a part and parcel of a working man’s life. There are a select few who choose not to indulge themselves, and prefer to enjoy seeing their inebriated friends. Then there is the third kind of workaholics who despise alcoholics. Me? I fall in the first category. I like to enjoy my drinks, and let me assure you, I do not hold my drinks unlike Saini Saab. If I am drinking, I need to get sloshed out of my wits. My not-so-unique characteristic trips another trait in me; I tend to flirt quite a bit when intoxicated. To be very honest, I do not really care who the girl is, how ugly she is, or how fat she is. As long as she doesn’t have a dick and can talk in proper English, I will try to tap that. This is not because I have not been laid much in life, but more so as my virginity is on the brink of growing back. This peculiar condition recently put me in quite a predicament.

 

Perhaps a drunken guy talking to a girl can be quite annoying to the woman. But not all men are annoying when intoxicated. I would like to believe I am not annoying, barring a few select nights where all alcohol goes to my man brain, via my blood stream. However, every girl has this feeling that every guy trying to talk to her wants to get into her pants. This may be true more often than not, but not always would a guy be talking to a girl using nothing but his man brains. For all you women out there who want to really know what a pick up line is, here are a few examples. Now these may not be the best pick up lines, but these are the best I could manage off the net or by my own.

1.       I like big butts and I cannot lie.

2.       Did you just fart? Because you blew my mind away.

3.       (crushing a piece of ice) Now that I have broken the ice, what say we grab a drink together?

4.       If you stand between Alcatraz and me right now, I could confidently say that you are standing between Rock and a hard place. (I just came up with that. No wonder I am not getting laid)

5.       Is your dad a terrorist? Because he definitely made a bomb in you.

6.       Have you ever been charged with murder? Because that ass is definitely a killer.

7.       Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?

8.       I know it is not Christmas but Santa’s lap is ready for you.

9.       If you were a booger, I would pick you first.

10.   Your body is a wonderland, and I am Alice.

However cheesy they may sound, there is a clear distinction as to what a pick up line classifies as. Interestingly, I was told that I was hitting on a girl recently. My pick up line? “It is finally good to meet a girl who can converse in good English.”

Though I do not have to ever fathom defending myself on such a statement, let me just brief you as to why I would ever say such a vague and uninteresting statement to a girl. I moved to Noida about 10 months back. Though life has finally started being kind to me, the standard of women is not something you could write home about. There are an occasional few who may pass by who make you want to look at them again, but the minute they open their mouth, you want to run to a deserted island where she can never find you. Considering this particular problem in my life, it was a very normal statement, or so I thought.

 

The next day, emails were sent to me as to how I was hitting on this girl. Are all women really that conceited? Or is it the other dumbf**ks around her that convince her that it just HAD to be a pickup line? This trait is more evident amongst not-so-good looking women. If an ugly chick is hanging out with a hot girl who is always hit on, I can understand how she may be under the misconception that she is hot as well. However, when there are no hot girls around, including yourself, shouldn’t you just considering yourself lucky to have any guy talk to you? Here is what a guy may say and what a  dumbf**k would interpret it as:

Man: Excuse me, what is the time?

Woman: Oh he wants to sleep with me.

 

Man: How do you get to Delhi from here?

Woman: Oh he wants to sleep with me.

 

Man: Do you have a sister? (In hopes of maybe the sister is better looking and a tad bit intelligent)

Woman: Oh he definitely wants to sleep with me.

 

To all dumbf**ks out there, not everything is a pickup line. Guys may be horny but guys are also quite capable of having a sane, innocent conversation with the fairer sex. Just because I am talking to you may not imply that I want to see what is between your thighs. My fellow brothers, if you come across the dumbf**k pool of people in your life, all you have to do is smile and walk away. Trying to explain the situation to them is as futile as trying to teach basic math to Celina Jaitley.

 

The weekend awaits me and looks like there may be some alcohol, may be some so-called pick up lines, but I what I can be rest assured of is that there will definitely be some dumbf**ks.

30..thats the fkkin number to beat..its not my personal best at shots, score or whatever the fkk you think it is.. its the age people.. I had a good bday night in a long time ...primarily always celebrating my bday away from home for the last 10 odd years..

I'll stop yapping and let my gifts speak.. my friends gave me 30 cool gifts.. none that I can use.. but sure can keep..

Things on the List..

• A Sponge Bob Boxer.. Ek kaam kar.. hathaat gehoon laamb kar
• A pistol with plastic pellets and a laser pointer .. for khud-khushee.. self satisfaction
• A DVD of GolMaal the original.. Ram Prasad Dashrat Prasad Sharma
• A Kamasutra Urge Deodrant..a story behind it
• A toilet seat ash tray.. Latrine.. ghar ki murgi daal barabar.. only to go with my toilet fixation
• A blackberry sleeve.. with my favourite line of all times.. Kya Hua Beta
• A packet of Burborn .. my favourite munchie
• Jack and Coke.. my favourite friends
• A packet of Odomos mosquito repellant cream.. for the time when i was struck by dengue
• A map of bangkok ... Ping Pong Shows and Thai Massage for the embarrasing moments we had there
• A teachers Flask for my urge to drink
• A Gadha.. from jaane Bhi do Yaaro Fame
• A Hair band for my current state of hair
• A pack of Bidis .. old school
• A collapsable comb.. because i dont have one.. true Anil Kapoor style
• A Toilet / Drain Pump.. for the shit i talk
• A Pipe.. new school
• A pack of hair removal cream... I have a trimmer though
• A Mcdonalds Soft Serve squeaky toy..
• A Mcdonalds Burger squeaky toy
• A Burger King Fries Sueaky toy
• A copy of Oxford comics  Billu .. in Hindi
• A bday Cap
• A coffee mug
• A bottle of Viagra.. they think i need it now..
• A Matrimonial Ad of a cross dresser
• A pack of Whisper.. they were looking for adult diapers but that was too expensive
• A quarter of OLD MONK
• A bottle of Black Label

As a kid..(and even now) I had more than one problems to either deal with or to ignore.. most of these were to do with my eating habits..for those who know me already must think I definitely dont have a problem eating anything..fact of the matter is..I have been trying to keep up my bodies expectations of being fed..

Milk is something that all of us as kids have grown up with and is synonymous with school..atleast for me.. it used to be one of the reasons for faking a stomach ache and avoid going to school. Every morning i had to wake up to a glass of milk that i had to finish because my mom thought i needed it to concentrate on what the teachers were saying in school. If she knew that i could not concentrate even with the milk she would be heart-broken. I guess she realized from my report card every summer too, but that could have been subtle and can be attributed to other reasons too.

Fkk that shit..I have been told I was a very fussy infant and disliked practically everything that people would like eating. For instance mangoes and milk. Big shit. I didnt like yellow and white and i still fkking dont..if thats the way i wanna see it..But i had a flair for eating things and fast at that..Around the early 80's when I was a kid, my dad used to bring home 5kg cans of Parle G biscuits. These were sold out by the wholesalers when they couldnt sell them off for being chipped off, or were sold off by the company themselves. I had a real thing for these biscuits and could wrap up a can a week apparently. Not that Im complaining. What Im fkking complaining about is the milk that i had to dip them into when i grew a little older..I can seriously take tea, milkshakes, icre-cream, curd and any other form of that shit core product MILK..not that i started hating it after i saw the gay movie..but yeah .. just letting you know..

Curd is another thing I frequently bounced on and off.. fkker must be feeling used up like a pogo stick..I started taking curd with a whole lot of salt and red chilli flakes..then moved to sugar.. then the plain shit itself.. then went completely off it.. ( i guess it was moreso from the fact that I had seen my mom use curd as a dandruff cure for my sis.. it grossed me out seeing it and then eating that same shit)..

If milk wasnt fkking enough there are milk products..not the dairy derivatives but the shit that people can use on their bodies.. shampoos, soap, body lotions, creams and fkk knows what else.. these things might be good for you as they show in the adverts.. or so you'd like to believe..like fkking 1/4 of milk in the soap with make more lather out of it.. like seriously what happened to ads where soap was supposed to make so much lather you couldnt see the chic in the bath tub...these fkkin products stick to your body and make you feel creamy.. allright its fine if you want someone to feel your creamy skin..but why the fkk would you want to feel creamy when you touch yourself..the milk based soaps are so bloody annoying.. they just wont get off your body in the shower..im a traditional guy who likes to get the soap off completely in the shower and not come out with soap bubbles emerging from your arm pits.. i like to dry myself clean before i step out of the shower.. and these milk soaps dont allow me to do that.. i hate you milk.. why cant we eat all the cows and bulls and leave no room for milk..

A similar kind of shit is doled out when you see any Paint adverts. Bastards talk about random technology Flexi Stretchable Emulsion, Low Lead, Heat Guard, Cross Polymer and a whole bag of donkey shit that they pour on your screen.. how the fkk is a paint supposed to have cross polymers..the way they show it on tv..like a fkkin maze that catches the stains and removes it with one swab of a wet cloth..motha fkkin shit.. its not a shirt that has 2 ply cotton..why the fkk would someone even advertise paint.. i dont need it bloody hell.. have you ever checked with the local contractor who paints like hes a kid who has to paint the fence and then go play.. bugger will make random strokes vertical and horizontal and then lets see your cross linking polymeric shit work its wonders..i always got it bad as a kid for making a fkked up mark on a newly painted wall.. and i cant accept the fact that a paint can do shit i could never do..

Some thing i also came to terms with the advent of cable tv (yeah yeah yeah i was born without cable tv..it came around the time when i was 12 or more) was the fact that most of the shit in movies happened in america.. like saving the world...Armageddon..saving the world..end of the world type of shit.. some thing i think we indians are very capable of too.. but we were always shown sitting like fkkin fools outside the Taj Mahal..and i dont like what im seeing..21st of may was rumored to be the end of the world as we know it.. it turns out to be a usual saturday when people are drinking their assess off like there was no tomorrow.. and then .. and then it starts to thunder and rain.. the drunkards are now out on the deserted streets dancing their drunk assess off and someone makes a remark.. "oohh seems like it really is the end of the world".. i take a minute to run through all the movies ive seen tap that shit.. and i was looking in the sky for a minute to see a change in color of the skies or a weird sound around.. or an earthquake around the corner and considering all the possible ways the world ended in these movies i had seen.. i confirmed to myself that its not happening.. atleast not tonight..

come to think of it.. why does all the shit in the world have to stem in the USA.. be it movies or real life.. saving the world USA. attacking the afghans. USA. .. Kill Sadda.. USA.. Kill Osama.. USA.. bhenchod what will the other countries do..

I think i have a lot to deal with and a lot of problems for a normal guy turning 30...

Till then..

For a world where milk powder could be used as paint..