** Contributed by : Anish Sadanandan

Alcohol has pretty much become a part and parcel of a working man’s life. There are a select few who choose not to indulge themselves, and prefer to enjoy seeing their inebriated friends. Then there is the third kind of workaholics who despise alcoholics. Me? I fall in the first category. I like to enjoy my drinks, and let me assure you, I do not hold my drinks unlike Saini Saab. If I am drinking, I need to get sloshed out of my wits. My not-so-unique characteristic trips another trait in me; I tend to flirt quite a bit when intoxicated. To be very honest, I do not really care who the girl is, how ugly she is, or how fat she is. As long as she doesn’t have a dick and can talk in proper English, I will try to tap that. This is not because I have not been laid much in life, but more so as my virginity is on the brink of growing back. This peculiar condition recently put me in quite a predicament.

Perhaps a drunken guy talking to a girl can be quite annoying to the woman. But not all men are annoying when intoxicated. I would like to believe I am not annoying, barring a few select nights where all alcohol goes to my man brain, via my blood stream. However, every girl has this feeling that every guy trying to talk to her wants to get into her pants. This may be true more often than not, but not always would a guy be talking to a girl using nothing but his man brains. For all you women out there who want to really know what a pick up line is, here are a few examples. Now these may not be the best pick up lines, but these are the best I could manage off the net or by my own.

1.       I like big butts and I cannot lie.

2.       Did you just fart? Because you blew my mind away.

3.       (crushing a piece of ice) Now that I have broken the ice, what say we grab a drink together?

4.       If you stand between Alcatraz and me right now, I could confidently say that you are standing between Rock and a hard place. (I just came up with that. No wonder I am not getting laid)

5.       Is your dad a terrorist? Because he definitely made a bomb in you.

6.       Have you ever been charged with murder? Because that ass is definitely a killer.

7.       Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?

8.       I know it is not Christmas but Santa’s lap is ready for you.

9.       If you were a booger, I would pick you first.

10.   Your body is a wonderland, and I am Alice.

However cheesy they may sound, there is a clear distinction as to what a pick up line classifies as. Interestingly, I was told that I was hitting on a girl recently. My pick up line? “It is finally good to meet a girl who can converse in good English.”

Though I do not have to ever fathom defending myself on such a statement, let me just brief you as to why I would ever say such a vague and uninteresting statement to a girl. I moved to Noida about 10 months back. Though life has finally started being kind to me, the standard of women is not something you could write home about. There are an occasional few who may pass by who make you want to look at them again, but the minute they open their mouth, you want to run to a deserted island where she can never find you. Considering this particular problem in my life, it was a very normal statement, or so I thought.

The next day, emails were sent to me as to how I was hitting on this girl. Are all women really that conceited? Or is it the other dumbf**ks around her that convince her that it just HAD to be a pickup line? This trait is more evident amongst not-so-good looking women. If an ugly chick is hanging out with a hot girl who is always hit on, I can understand how she may be under the misconception that she is hot as well. However, when there are no hot girls around, including yourself, shouldn’t you just considering yourself lucky to have any guy talk to you? Here is what a guy may say and what a  dumbf**k would interpret it as:

Man: Excuse me, what is the time?

Woman: Oh he wants to sleep with me.

Man: How do you get to Delhi from here?

Woman: Oh he wants to sleep with me.

Man: Do you have a sister? (In hopes of maybe the sister is better looking and a tad bit intelligent)

Woman: Oh he definitely wants to sleep with me.

To all dumbf**ks out there, not everything is a pickup line. Guys may be horny but guys are also quite capable of having a sane, innocent conversation with the fairer sex. Just because I am talking to you may not imply that I want to see what is between your thighs. My fellow brothers, if you come across the dumbf**k pool of people in your life, all you have to do is smile and walk away. Trying to explain the situation to them is as futile as trying to teach basic math to Celina Jaitley.

The weekend awaits me and looks like there may be some alcohol, may be some so-called pick up lines, but I what I can be rest assured of is that there will definitely be some dumbf**ks.