The last time I decided to write something on Mr. Arya’s blogspot, many thought that it was too personal and that I was a complete a**hole for doing something like that.  So I did some soul searching and turns out that I am in fact an a**hole, and I am proud to be one.

Anyway after much contemplation, I have decided to put pen on paper again, or rather my fat, ill-maintained fingers on the keyboard again. I am someone who has never been in a relationship for long, apart from my first girlfriend with whom I was with for 3 years. The maximum time I have been with a woman is a little over a year. I am not boasting about anything here, neither am I talking about any phobia from commitment. But what I would like to do here is ponder over being in a relationship altogether, as compared to having friends with benefits.

Now most of my close friends would tell me that I am writing this piece because I have never found true love. Maybe that is correct, but you have to understand my friends that every time I was dating someone, I convinced myself that I was in love with her. I told myself numerous times this girl is perfect and that I would not get anyone better than her to spend the rest of my life with. Then I would start naming our kids and she would run away. Or it could even so happen that I would start nitpicking, and the smallest of habits of my better half at that point would drive me nuts. Again, the optimists would argue that I have never found true love. But my question is why should I or anyone for that matter, even look for true love?

Let us talk about relationships to begin with:

The Chase:

Oh I love this part. It is the only thing I can give to relationships. But then again, when you think about it, you have to chase your friend to convince him/her to sleep with you with no strings attached. So I take that point back from relationships.

Most men (apart from my married friends) would like to be with a good looking woman. Of course good looks may be subjective, but in their head she has to be good looking. Compatibility is overrated for us, and we really don’t care. If I were given a choice between a girl who is as compatible with me as Bhalla and Robert were, and Roshan Khambatta, I would pick Roshan Khambatta any freaking day.

I would like to reveal a small secret here that most men themselves might not know; all of us want trophy wives. Don’t deny it. If that were not the case, why the hell do you people go to the girl’s house in an arranged marriage scenario? If you are looking for true love, and looks don’t matter, talk to the girl on the phone and get married to her without ever seeing her. So what if she may have a beard and 3 boobs? She is your soul mate, right?

Even when it comes to the chase you only go after the “good looking” ones. Now here is the girl’s side. A girl, more often than not, would chase a guy if she sees a future. For example:

·         If she sees a guy who is good looking, she will think, “oh this guy is so cute. We will have such beautiful babies”.

·         If she sees a guy playing with kids, “Oh my God, he will be such an amazing father to my kids”.

·         If she sees a strong guy, “I can definitely make him do some chores around the house, and make him do the groceries all the time”.

·         If she sees a combination of all of the above, “He is going to be my slave for the rest of his life.”

The Relationship:

You know the worst part about being in a relationship? The relationship! Seriously, it sucks ass. You are tied down, you have differences which you have to “learn to adjust to”, or learn to “live with”, or even worse “make some sacrifices”. Screw that!

Now I would like to talk about the dream relationship for every single man, Friends with Benefits:

If anyone saw the promos for the movie with the same title, and if you see what Justin Timberlake does to Mila Kunis at some award function on stage to promote the movie, you would be sold right there on the concept! I would not have to explain shit. Unfortunately, not everyone has the time to search for all videos that can get a man’s blood pumping to the correct parts and so I would have to elaborate a bit.

FWBs have existed since a long time but these days, more and more people are getting into it. Be it the influence of the west, or be it not everyone having Idea 3G, people want to do it. As explained above, the process of getting into a relationship is too long, and too time consuming. Finding someone who just wants to do it with no strings attached, much much faster. Tough choice isn’t it? NOT.

FWBs are like the duck laying golden eggs. You can get a golden egg every time you want, and you can never fathom killing it. People up in North India are staunch believers in the FWB ideology I suppose. They consider every girl their friends and try to get some benefits. Unfortunately, they are unable to explain this to cops or journalists alike, and they end up being termed rapists.

FWBs may have its drawbacks too. Usually, one of the two involved tends to develop feelings which may sooner or later screw up that friendship. But the simple solution is to have an out clause where as soon as one person develops feelings, the other person can say, “you are out!” or “chal nikkal” as I would put it.

Coming back to the main question in hand, which should one go for? People in relationships may argue that in relationship you can share your feelings, your frustrations with your better half. But isn’t that what friends are for? Be it of the same sex or of the opposite sex? Friends are there in your life to support you through your ups and downs, so why the hell do you have to date someone for that?

My take is that man was not meant to be monogamous is my take. What is yours? 

Whoever the fkk made those smileys on IM windows and other silly applications didnt know what the average human looked like..or if it was supposed to be a depiction of a happy face always and not a real face, i totally got it wrong...Nonetheless, I'll still say they were idiots to not have done their research..

It starts with another one of my problems..to figure out problems I might have. I had this thing to keep looking at myself in the mirror closely at that and try to figure out if I had a problem smiling. This stems from the fact that I had really stopped smiling...things are a tad bit better now. During this experiment of mine, I found out I did smile but it didnt come across as one because I always thought a smile would have an upward curve..Exactly..this is what most of you thought too. But its not the case.

For some fkking reason the points where the upper and lower lips converge didnt create the right shape and thus i couldnt smile right..No..its wasnt that big and issue, but if I think of it like I am the only odd ball with it, I might start feeling a bit weird. The next normal human step would be to start observing how shit works with others. I starting by people I met daily, walked around with, people I didnt know, family, photos on social networks, news papers and I was doing my research on practically every body. Now, apparently I wasnt the only fkked up dude with a far from normal facial abnormality. Almost 2 in 6 people had the point of convergence of their lips pointing downwards that made their smile look like a frown.

Fkkk.. really.. it makes a smile look like a frown. I was so fascinated with this theory of mine that I went around finding people with a similar disfigured smile and told them about it. daaiiimm.. anyways they had a smile that didnt look like a smile, now they didnt have a reason to smile. Life was just turning around for these people because i spent 5 minutes looking at myself in the mirror.

I always had a plan to start a company that had products similar to microsoft, the word, the ppt, the exel and I wanted to pop-up an abuse everytime there was an error instead of a red sine wave under the word. The new smile discovery made me believe I can also start an IM app that suggests a smiley to the user based on the smile that he/she had, fetching this info from his/her webcam. Fkkk that shit.. Im really demented..

Life has not changed as much till date. I still fancy my discovery and keep looking at people in the lift, in malls and other places..I guess I will till I discover something else.

Till Then..

For Life Like Internet

Are you fkkking educated or did your parents just waste their hard-earned (that’s an assumption that can easily fall flat) money on something you didn’t deserve in the first place. Has the advent of discovery channel, discovery science and google not had an impact on your life and sensibilities?

These are the kind of questions I think I should ask people who ask me the dreaded question..Are You Gay? No, seriously. I have nothing against people who are Gay, so to say. (you know I wrote that for poetic pleasure. That’s the only poetry I can do in this lifetime) I use the word to describe a lot of things like texting, cycling, shopping and things that I think I am not good at. I had read / heard somewhere that taking offense to gay comments is gayer. I know it all sounds like shit right now, but the fact that I use the word without hesitation without the intent to poke fun at the tendencies of a person, makes me feel im better off.

Better than the class of people I described above who ask me if I’m gay because I’m not married. I seriously hope the next generations of these people who got married at the age of 20 odd because they had nothing else to do in life, be Gay. Actually, fkkk it they might just kill the kid for his tendencies. Tell me this, dumb-fuck how does not marrying make someone gay. Oh, I get it. Because your dad told you that you should be getting married and humping your wife by the age of 20, you should be joining the family business by 18 and have a kid by 21. By the time you are 22, your wife is still 20 (yeah face it), she has a kid a full time housewife job to do, and you can now have the fkking time of your life, because you just completed 3 out of your 4 major responsibilities of adulthood. FUCKING, BREEDING, RUINING ANOTHER LIFE. Blooody genius you need to be to get your shit in order already. 23 and now you run around bars at night as your wife struggles to keep up with your maa, paa and the waste of a sperm you produced. You are officially DONE, like in monster garage. (for those who don’t know, when a project was completed they show a DONE sign on it. This guy has just the sign you want to see). 25 and now you are now trying to connect with the real world outside your friends who have also successfully completed their 3 responsibilities and are now a complete man and son for their maa and paa. This real world would be through the internet which so far has been used only during wasted offices hours at the family business to see the cricket scores and to stalk women on social networks. Bravo you have now graduated and now you look to connect with people you knew years back and what better medium than the same old social network.

This time around you are here to flaunt the perfect life and the perfect wife, the perfect kid, the perfect business, the perfect vacation pictures. But unfortunately there are other things to do which people have been upto and you don’t understand the need for it. Its ok, we don’t force you to. Its not something you can think is important or worthwhile, because it is not something your friends have done thus far. The same friends, if I may say this, have an IQ lesser than their shoe size. But its ok, its understood if you don’t understand what I do for a living, its ok if you don’t understand why I live like I live, its NOT FKKIN OK if you start asking me things I don’t want you to be comfortable enough to ask. Your gonads wouldn’t grow in size if you got a YES to the gay question, that you thought would be the only obvious reason for me not getting married.

Why does it become so fkking necessary to comply with standards set by someone, I don’t even know from my gene-pool forget direct relation for once. Why does everyone want to see all the shit in the same light. Some shit is black, some brown, some green, some with undigested shit in them, some fluid, some that hold no water. Why does it become important for all to get married. Why does someone who not marry have to deal with the deal about taking the family gene pool further. Why does it have to come down to reproduction. Don’t we already have enough. Why does everyone have to give you shit about companionship. Why do some have to question tendencies.

These are the same set of people who come across as my comic relief. Motherfkkers can seriously be funny when talked about later.

Oh, and the 4^th responsibility these dick wads work towards, get the next generation of dim wits married. Same old cycle, 20-25.

Till Then..

Eat Shit.