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If you ever thought I would say that in this life time you might also be see an entire generation of genetically advanced hairless Indians with dicks bigger than an Iphone. To set things straight I have always loved Bombay and I may end up dying a natural death saying the same thing. I will also never accept the city as Mumbai and it will always remain Bombay for me, so deal with it.

I'm not sure how many might relate to what I am about to rant. This might not be a direct indication of one's intellect or his/her capabilities to decide things for oneself. But at some time everyone meets people who like hating the city they live in, and they take it as a serious hobby. It is the only form of primary intellectual masturbation some might get when they ask : "Ok, you tell me what do you like about this city? I just want to leave". My first response, and any first response is usually to ask them why they are still here. Not that there is a radioactive epidemic everywhere else that keeps you here.

To start with of the 30 years I have inhabited the earth and tried to deplete the natural and food resources, I've spent more than 2 decades falling in love with Bombay over and over again, one day at a time. If a few bad roads, a few slums can make you feel bad about the city that gives you uninterrupted power supply, awesome public transport, food, supplies and anything else you need at any point in the day, people that offer help at the drop of a hat; im really not sure what you are setting as your benchmark.

Living in a city and hating it, for me is like buying a short tee-shirt and pulling it down every now and then because you think your ass crack might make a sighting. Its like a girl who wears a tee with a slogan and when people want to read it they feel letched at. You made your choices and even if you didnt, and you were born in this city; you still can make your choice. Go to a place you think is a better city than bombay. Or wait. Is it so that you hate the country all together. I'm not dealing with that right now, ill tackle that another day. I might have to be on sedatives to make sure i dont curse.

So the question still remains. Why are we still here? The answer is obvious and emerged the unanimous winner from a poll conducted among all my limited sensibilities, restricted brain power and anything else, i might not be good at; Pick another city to live in. Going by sheer averages, the number of people I came across in the last decade among family, friends, acquaintances who hate bombay; had they left the city we would also be answering the primary cause of concern these people had in the first place. Population in the city. If I may earnestly ask you to please follow your gut and leave this city, will you do it. No you wont. I guess its a problem that infests all of us, including me. We are beautifully trained to identify problems through the grades of education we run through, but we seldom want to be part of the solution. We love delegation. We all want better security for ourselves, but we dont want to take up police jobs. There is one cop for more than a 1000 people in bombay.

I believe, and firmly so that most whiners would not leave the city even though the hate grows with every morning they wake up in the city because they have families who have worked all their lives in bombay through jobs, businesses and other means to make livings. they would complain too but never leave. Taking into account that most indian families are non-nuclear till date, we would have a situation because the people in question would need to go grounds up in a new city. Chicken might be the word to use. Take a test, move out of bombay and live in a delhi, noida or even a tier 2 city. Try nagpur for fkk sake and see if you can make a calendar year without wanting to come back to bombay. I bet my balls you will. Fkk I'll give my domain name to you if you dont.

I feel strongly about my city and even if education and work must have taken me to different cities over the last decade or so, the distance only makes me love the city all the more. I dont hate you or the reasons you hate the city, you are intelligent enough to understand your choices, but a choice is what is not made. It makes me dig out an email a friend wrote to us after bombay was being called a hapless city after a terrorist attack and some started shit slinging through forwarded emails. Thought, i'll share it with people here. I know the length of the this blog is more than the number of words on your american admission transcripts, but what the fkk:
"

My dad moved here in 1967 when he was 21 from a rural place and has sweated it out ever since, head bowed down, working hard each day, grateful to the city, the culture. He is a proud man today. He tells me stories from some of his olden days. The chawls, sharing rooms, the food. He loves the trains, the buses. He plays the radio everyday with old songs, and I think he goes back to his early days of toil in this city. Never have I heard him blame the city.

I have thanked heavens many a time for that moment when my Dad took that decision of moving to this city. I think his reaction at such a time matters.

Mumbai is about people. You find characters, personalities, this confidence which others in our country envy. I have lived in Gujarat for 4 years, Rajasthan for 2 and I have felt this sense of respect just because I am from Mumbai. Plus I have relatives spread out, and they send out a similar signal.

I felt like writing this because I have always felt out of place with such outbursts. I would never understand why some of my colleagues during our international travel would talk negatively about our country at the drop of a hat. When economists, global leaders, thinkers talk so highly of what we have in store. You take so much from the people you meet when you travel, and what a wrong way to represent where you come from. I also felt like writing because there are Non Mumbaikars on the thread, and it pains to see a wrong message sent out to them.

Some of the most 'livable' cities are plain boring. Mundane. Pretty showpieces. Ironed well. Old money from colonies they conquered and fed their planners well, who created such marvels. Your jaw drops at the planning. But why do they bore me out? And their rulers wouldn't have taken a backward step in their growth heydays if they felt attacked. They had an eye for an eye.

And what about security. Pick up a lonely planet and they warn you about thugs and late night crime in a lot of the big global cities. I am out late hours and things are smooth here.

I am deeply attached to Mumbai, it has given me everything. I would be half the man without this attachment, something would go horribly missing if I stop feeling it. A lot of this anti-mumbai sentiment is spreading, but hey choose your enemy well. The traffic snarls will all go away. The city is your friend.

"

Till then..

For a world where memories would self-destruct in 5 minutes

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The last time I decided to write something on Mr. Arya’s blogspot, many thought that it was too personal and that I was a complete a**hole for doing something like that.  So I did some soul searching and turns out that I am in fact an a**hole, and I am proud to be one.

Anyway after much contemplation, I have decided to put pen on paper again, or rather my fat, ill-maintained fingers on the keyboard again. I am someone who has never been in a relationship for long, apart from my first girlfriend with whom I was with for 3 years. The maximum time I have been with a woman is a little over a year. I am not boasting about anything here, neither am I talking about any phobia from commitment. But what I would like to do here is ponder over being in a relationship altogether, as compared to having friends with benefits.

Now most of my close friends would tell me that I am writing this piece because I have never found true love. Maybe that is correct, but you have to understand my friends that every time I was dating someone, I convinced myself that I was in love with her. I told myself numerous times this girl is perfect and that I would not get anyone better than her to spend the rest of my life with. Then I would start naming our kids and she would run away. Or it could even so happen that I would start nitpicking, and the smallest of habits of my better half at that point would drive me nuts. Again, the optimists would argue that I have never found true love. But my question is why should I or anyone for that matter, even look for true love?

Let us talk about relationships to begin with:

The Chase:

Oh I love this part. It is the only thing I can give to relationships. But then again, when you think about it, you have to chase your friend to convince him/her to sleep with you with no strings attached. So I take that point back from relationships.

Most men (apart from my married friends) would like to be with a good looking woman. Of course good looks may be subjective, but in their head she has to be good looking. Compatibility is overrated for us, and we really don’t care. If I were given a choice between a girl who is as compatible with me as Bhalla and Robert were, and Roshan Khambatta, I would pick Roshan Khambatta any freaking day.

I would like to reveal a small secret here that most men themselves might not know; all of us want trophy wives. Don’t deny it. If that were not the case, why the hell do you people go to the girl’s house in an arranged marriage scenario? If you are looking for true love, and looks don’t matter, talk to the girl on the phone and get married to her without ever seeing her. So what if she may have a beard and 3 boobs? She is your soul mate, right?

Even when it comes to the chase you only go after the “good looking” ones. Now here is the girl’s side. A girl, more often than not, would chase a guy if she sees a future. For example:

·         If she sees a guy who is good looking, she will think, “oh this guy is so cute. We will have such beautiful babies”.

·         If she sees a guy playing with kids, “Oh my God, he will be such an amazing father to my kids”.

·         If she sees a strong guy, “I can definitely make him do some chores around the house, and make him do the groceries all the time”.

·         If she sees a combination of all of the above, “He is going to be my slave for the rest of his life.”

The Relationship:

You know the worst part about being in a relationship? The relationship! Seriously, it sucks ass. You are tied down, you have differences which you have to “learn to adjust to”, or learn to “live with”, or even worse “make some sacrifices”. Screw that!

Now I would like to talk about the dream relationship for every single man, Friends with Benefits:

If anyone saw the promos for the movie with the same title, and if you see what Justin Timberlake does to Mila Kunis at some award function on stage to promote the movie, you would be sold right there on the concept! I would not have to explain shit. Unfortunately, not everyone has the time to search for all videos that can get a man’s blood pumping to the correct parts and so I would have to elaborate a bit.

FWBs have existed since a long time but these days, more and more people are getting into it. Be it the influence of the west, or be it not everyone having Idea 3G, people want to do it. As explained above, the process of getting into a relationship is too long, and too time consuming. Finding someone who just wants to do it with no strings attached, much much faster. Tough choice isn’t it? NOT.

FWBs are like the duck laying golden eggs. You can get a golden egg every time you want, and you can never fathom killing it. People up in North India are staunch believers in the FWB ideology I suppose. They consider every girl their friends and try to get some benefits. Unfortunately, they are unable to explain this to cops or journalists alike, and they end up being termed rapists.

FWBs may have its drawbacks too. Usually, one of the two involved tends to develop feelings which may sooner or later screw up that friendship. But the simple solution is to have an out clause where as soon as one person develops feelings, the other person can say, “you are out!” or “chal nikkal” as I would put it.

Coming back to the main question in hand, which should one go for? People in relationships may argue that in relationship you can share your feelings, your frustrations with your better half. But isn’t that what friends are for? Be it of the same sex or of the opposite sex? Friends are there in your life to support you through your ups and downs, so why the hell do you have to date someone for that?

My take is that man was not meant to be monogamous is my take. What is yours? 

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Whoever the fkk made those smileys on IM windows and other silly applications didnt know what the average human looked like..or if it was supposed to be a depiction of a happy face always and not a real face, i totally got it wrong...Nonetheless, I'll still say they were idiots to not have done their research..

It starts with another one of my problems..to figure out problems I might have. I had this thing to keep looking at myself in the mirror closely at that and try to figure out if I had a problem smiling. This stems from the fact that I had really stopped smiling...things are a tad bit better now. During this experiment of mine, I found out I did smile but it didnt come across as one because I always thought a smile would have an upward curve..Exactly..this is what most of you thought too. But its not the case.

For some fkking reason the points where the upper and lower lips converge didnt create the right shape and thus i couldnt smile right..No..its wasnt that big and issue, but if I think of it like I am the only odd ball with it, I might start feeling a bit weird. The next normal human step would be to start observing how shit works with others. I starting by people I met daily, walked around with, people I didnt know, family, photos on social networks, news papers and I was doing my research on practically every body. Now, apparently I wasnt the only fkked up dude with a far from normal facial abnormality. Almost 2 in 6 people had the point of convergence of their lips pointing downwards that made their smile look like a frown.

Fkkk.. really.. it makes a smile look like a frown. I was so fascinated with this theory of mine that I went around finding people with a similar disfigured smile and told them about it. daaiiimm.. anyways they had a smile that didnt look like a smile, now they didnt have a reason to smile. Life was just turning around for these people because i spent 5 minutes looking at myself in the mirror.

I always had a plan to start a company that had products similar to microsoft, the word, the ppt, the exel and I wanted to pop-up an abuse everytime there was an error instead of a red sine wave under the word. The new smile discovery made me believe I can also start an IM app that suggests a smiley to the user based on the smile that he/she had, fetching this info from his/her webcam. Fkkk that shit.. Im really demented..

Life has not changed as much till date. I still fancy my discovery and keep looking at people in the lift, in malls and other places..I guess I will till I discover something else.

Till Then..

For Life Like Internet

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Are you fkkking educated or did your parents just waste their hard-earned (that’s an assumption that can easily fall flat) money on something you didn’t deserve in the first place. Has the advent of discovery channel, discovery science and google not had an impact on your life and sensibilities?

These are the kind of questions I think I should ask people who ask me the dreaded question..Are You Gay? No, seriously. I have nothing against people who are Gay, so to say. (you know I wrote that for poetic pleasure. That’s the only poetry I can do in this lifetime) I use the word to describe a lot of things like texting, cycling, shopping and things that I think I am not good at. I had read / heard somewhere that taking offense to gay comments is gayer. I know it all sounds like shit right now, but the fact that I use the word without hesitation without the intent to poke fun at the tendencies of a person, makes me feel im better off.

Better than the class of people I described above who ask me if I’m gay because I’m not married. I seriously hope the next generations of these people who got married at the age of 20 odd because they had nothing else to do in life, be Gay. Actually, fkkk it they might just kill the kid for his tendencies. Tell me this, dumb-fuck how does not marrying make someone gay. Oh, I get it. Because your dad told you that you should be getting married and humping your wife by the age of 20, you should be joining the family business by 18 and have a kid by 21. By the time you are 22, your wife is still 20 (yeah face it), she has a kid a full time housewife job to do, and you can now have the fkking time of your life, because you just completed 3 out of your 4 major responsibilities of adulthood. FUCKING, BREEDING, RUINING ANOTHER LIFE. Blooody genius you need to be to get your shit in order already. 23 and now you run around bars at night as your wife struggles to keep up with your maa, paa and the waste of a sperm you produced. You are officially DONE, like in monster garage. (for those who don’t know, when a project was completed they show a DONE sign on it. This guy has just the sign you want to see). 25 and now you are now trying to connect with the real world outside your friends who have also successfully completed their 3 responsibilities and are now a complete man and son for their maa and paa. This real world would be through the internet which so far has been used only during wasted offices hours at the family business to see the cricket scores and to stalk women on social networks. Bravo you have now graduated and now you look to connect with people you knew years back and what better medium than the same old social network.

This time around you are here to flaunt the perfect life and the perfect wife, the perfect kid, the perfect business, the perfect vacation pictures. But unfortunately there are other things to do which people have been upto and you don’t understand the need for it. Its ok, we don’t force you to. Its not something you can think is important or worthwhile, because it is not something your friends have done thus far. The same friends, if I may say this, have an IQ lesser than their shoe size. But its ok, its understood if you don’t understand what I do for a living, its ok if you don’t understand why I live like I live, its NOT FKKIN OK if you start asking me things I don’t want you to be comfortable enough to ask. Your gonads wouldn’t grow in size if you got a YES to the gay question, that you thought would be the only obvious reason for me not getting married.

Why does it become so fkking necessary to comply with standards set by someone, I don’t even know from my gene-pool forget direct relation for once. Why does everyone want to see all the shit in the same light. Some shit is black, some brown, some green, some with undigested shit in them, some fluid, some that hold no water. Why does it become important for all to get married. Why does someone who not marry have to deal with the deal about taking the family gene pool further. Why does it have to come down to reproduction. Don’t we already have enough. Why does everyone have to give you shit about companionship. Why do some have to question tendencies.

These are the same set of people who come across as my comic relief. Motherfkkers can seriously be funny when talked about later.

Oh, and the 4^th responsibility these dick wads work towards, get the next generation of dim wits married. Same old cycle, 20-25.

Till Then..

Eat Shit.

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** Contributed by : Anish Sadanandan

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Alcohol has pretty much become a part and parcel of a working man’s life. There are a select few who choose not to indulge themselves, and prefer to enjoy seeing their inebriated friends. Then there is the third kind of workaholics who despise alcoholics. Me? I fall in the first category. I like to enjoy my drinks, and let me assure you, I do not hold my drinks unlike Saini Saab. If I am drinking, I need to get sloshed out of my wits. My not-so-unique characteristic trips another trait in me; I tend to flirt quite a bit when intoxicated. To be very honest, I do not really care who the girl is, how ugly she is, or how fat she is. As long as she doesn’t have a dick and can talk in proper English, I will try to tap that. This is not because I have not been laid much in life, but more so as my virginity is on the brink of growing back. This peculiar condition recently put me in quite a predicament.

Perhaps a drunken guy talking to a girl can be quite annoying to the woman. But not all men are annoying when intoxicated. I would like to believe I am not annoying, barring a few select nights where all alcohol goes to my man brain, via my blood stream. However, every girl has this feeling that every guy trying to talk to her wants to get into her pants. This may be true more often than not, but not always would a guy be talking to a girl using nothing but his man brains. For all you women out there who want to really know what a pick up line is, here are a few examples. Now these may not be the best pick up lines, but these are the best I could manage off the net or by my own.

1.       I like big butts and I cannot lie.

2.       Did you just fart? Because you blew my mind away.

3.       (crushing a piece of ice) Now that I have broken the ice, what say we grab a drink together?

4.       If you stand between Alcatraz and me right now, I could confidently say that you are standing between Rock and a hard place. (I just came up with that. No wonder I am not getting laid)

5.       Is your dad a terrorist? Because he definitely made a bomb in you.

6.       Have you ever been charged with murder? Because that ass is definitely a killer.

7.       Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?

8.       I know it is not Christmas but Santa’s lap is ready for you.

9.       If you were a booger, I would pick you first.

10.   Your body is a wonderland, and I am Alice.

However cheesy they may sound, there is a clear distinction as to what a pick up line classifies as. Interestingly, I was told that I was hitting on a girl recently. My pick up line? “It is finally good to meet a girl who can converse in good English.”

Though I do not have to ever fathom defending myself on such a statement, let me just brief you as to why I would ever say such a vague and uninteresting statement to a girl. I moved to Noida about 10 months back. Though life has finally started being kind to me, the standard of women is not something you could write home about. There are an occasional few who may pass by who make you want to look at them again, but the minute they open their mouth, you want to run to a deserted island where she can never find you. Considering this particular problem in my life, it was a very normal statement, or so I thought.

The next day, emails were sent to me as to how I was hitting on this girl. Are all women really that conceited? Or is it the other dumbf**ks around her that convince her that it just HAD to be a pickup line? This trait is more evident amongst not-so-good looking women. If an ugly chick is hanging out with a hot girl who is always hit on, I can understand how she may be under the misconception that she is hot as well. However, when there are no hot girls around, including yourself, shouldn’t you just considering yourself lucky to have any guy talk to you? Here is what a guy may say and what a  dumbf**k would interpret it as:

Man: Excuse me, what is the time?

Woman: Oh he wants to sleep with me.

Man: How do you get to Delhi from here?

Woman: Oh he wants to sleep with me.

Man: Do you have a sister? (In hopes of maybe the sister is better looking and a tad bit intelligent)

Woman: Oh he definitely wants to sleep with me.

To all dumbf**ks out there, not everything is a pickup line. Guys may be horny but guys are also quite capable of having a sane, innocent conversation with the fairer sex. Just because I am talking to you may not imply that I want to see what is between your thighs. My fellow brothers, if you come across the dumbf**k pool of people in your life, all you have to do is smile and walk away. Trying to explain the situation to them is as futile as trying to teach basic math to Celina Jaitley.

The weekend awaits me and looks like there may be some alcohol, may be some so-called pick up lines, but I what I can be rest assured of is that there will definitely be some dumbf**ks.

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30..thats the fkkin number to beat..its not my personal best at shots, score or whatever the fkk you think it is.. its the age people.. I had a good bday night in a long time ...primarily always celebrating my bday away from home for the last 10 odd years..

I'll stop yapping and let my gifts speak.. my friends gave me 30 cool gifts.. none that I can use.. but sure can keep..

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• A Sponge Bob Boxer.. Ek kaam kar.. hathaat gehoon laamb kar
• A pistol with plastic pellets and a laser pointer .. for khud-khushee.. self satisfaction
• A DVD of GolMaal the original.. Ram Prasad Dashrat Prasad Sharma
• A Kamasutra Urge Deodrant..a story behind it
• A toilet seat ash tray.. Latrine.. ghar ki murgi daal barabar.. only to go with my toilet fixation
• A blackberry sleeve.. with my favourite line of all times.. Kya Hua Beta
• A packet of Burborn .. my favourite munchie
• Jack and Coke.. my favourite friends
• A packet of Odomos mosquito repellant cream.. for the time when i was struck by dengue
• A map of bangkok ... Ping Pong Shows and Thai Massage for the embarrasing moments we had there
• A teachers Flask for my urge to drink
• A Gadha.. from jaane Bhi do Yaaro Fame
• A Hair band for my current state of hair
• A pack of Bidis .. old school
• A collapsable comb.. because i dont have one.. true Anil Kapoor style
• A Toilet / Drain Pump.. for the shit i talk
• A Pipe.. new school
• A pack of hair removal cream... I have a trimmer though
• A Mcdonalds Soft Serve squeaky toy..
• A Mcdonalds Burger squeaky toy
• A Burger King Fries Sueaky toy
• A copy of Oxford comics  Billu .. in Hindi
• A bday Cap
• A coffee mug
• A bottle of Viagra.. they think i need it now..
• A Matrimonial Ad of a cross dresser
• A pack of Whisper.. they were looking for adult diapers but that was too expensive
• A quarter of OLD MONK
• A bottle of Black Label

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Milk is something that all of us as kids have grown up with and is synonymous with school..atleast for me.. it used to be one of the reasons for faking a stomach ache and avoid going to school. Every morning i had to wake up to a glass of milk that i had to finish because my mom thought i needed it to concentrate on what the teachers were saying in school. If she knew that i could not concentrate even with the milk she would be heart-broken. I guess she realized from my report card every summer too, but that could have been subtle and can be attributed to other reasons too.

Fkk that shit..I have been told I was a very fussy infant and disliked practically everything that people would like eating. For instance mangoes and milk. Big shit. I didnt like yellow and white and i still fkking dont..if thats the way i wanna see it..But i had a flair for eating things and fast at that..Around the early 80's when I was a kid, my dad used to bring home 5kg cans of Parle G biscuits. These were sold out by the wholesalers when they couldnt sell them off for being chipped off, or were sold off by the company themselves. I had a real thing for these biscuits and could wrap up a can a week apparently. Not that Im complaining. What Im fkking complaining about is the milk that i had to dip them into when i grew a little older..I can seriously take tea, milkshakes, icre-cream, curd and any other form of that shit core product MILK..not that i started hating it after i saw the gay movie..but yeah .. just letting you know..

Curd is another thing I frequently bounced on and off.. fkker must be feeling used up like a pogo stick..I started taking curd with a whole lot of salt and red chilli flakes..then moved to sugar.. then the plain shit itself.. then went completely off it.. ( i guess it was moreso from the fact that I had seen my mom use curd as a dandruff cure for my sis.. it grossed me out seeing it and then eating that same shit)..

If milk wasnt fkking enough there are milk products..not the dairy derivatives but the shit that people can use on their bodies.. shampoos, soap, body lotions, creams and fkk knows what else.. these things might be good for you as they show in the adverts.. or so you'd like to believe..like fkking 1/4 of milk in the soap with make more lather out of it.. like seriously what happened to ads where soap was supposed to make so much lather you couldnt see the chic in the bath tub...these fkkin products stick to your body and make you feel creamy.. allright its fine if you want someone to feel your creamy skin..but why the fkk would you want to feel creamy when you touch yourself..the milk based soaps are so bloody annoying.. they just wont get off your body in the shower..im a traditional guy who likes to get the soap off completely in the shower and not come out with soap bubbles emerging from your arm pits.. i like to dry myself clean before i step out of the shower.. and these milk soaps dont allow me to do that.. i hate you milk.. why cant we eat all the cows and bulls and leave no room for milk..

A similar kind of shit is doled out when you see any Paint adverts. Bastards talk about random technology Flexi Stretchable Emulsion, Low Lead, Heat Guard, Cross Polymer and a whole bag of donkey shit that they pour on your screen.. how the fkk is a paint supposed to have cross polymers..the way they show it on tv..like a fkkin maze that catches the stains and removes it with one swab of a wet cloth..motha fkkin shit.. its not a shirt that has 2 ply cotton..why the fkk would someone even advertise paint.. i dont need it bloody hell.. have you ever checked with the local contractor who paints like hes a kid who has to paint the fence and then go play.. bugger will make random strokes vertical and horizontal and then lets see your cross linking polymeric shit work its wonders..i always got it bad as a kid for making a fkked up mark on a newly painted wall.. and i cant accept the fact that a paint can do shit i could never do..

Some thing i also came to terms with the advent of cable tv (yeah yeah yeah i was born without cable tv..it came around the time when i was 12 or more) was the fact that most of the shit in movies happened in america.. like saving the world...Armageddon..saving the world..end of the world type of shit.. some thing i think we indians are very capable of too.. but we were always shown sitting like fkkin fools outside the Taj Mahal..and i dont like what im seeing..21st of may was rumored to be the end of the world as we know it.. it turns out to be a usual saturday when people are drinking their assess off like there was no tomorrow.. and then .. and then it starts to thunder and rain.. the drunkards are now out on the deserted streets dancing their drunk assess off and someone makes a remark.. "oohh seems like it really is the end of the world".. i take a minute to run through all the movies ive seen tap that shit.. and i was looking in the sky for a minute to see a change in color of the skies or a weird sound around.. or an earthquake around the corner and considering all the possible ways the world ended in these movies i had seen.. i confirmed to myself that its not happening.. atleast not tonight..

come to think of it.. why does all the shit in the world have to stem in the USA.. be it movies or real life.. saving the world USA. attacking the afghans. USA. .. Kill Sadda.. USA.. Kill Osama.. USA.. bhenchod what will the other countries do..

I think i have a lot to deal with and a lot of problems for a normal guy turning 30...

Till then..

For a world where milk powder could be used as paint..

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By now all know how much I love the Deol Family and their movies...here is an ode to the family.. Balltalks style.

me: nahiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii  balwant rai ke kuttte

anish: then? may 12th at 12-12:30am? toh thursday fri dono din chutti?  ghanta

me: bahut acha kaam kar rahe ho inspector.. bahut acha kaam kar rahe ho.. medal milenge tumhe.. u bastard.. garreebon ke haath mein hathkadi daal ke bade khush ho rahe ho

anish: 13th may 3:35 is the flight

me: yahin par kanooon chalta hai tumhara

anish: which means 13th may 12:30am check in hua na

me: yehi hai tumhari vardi ki takat

anish: and check in likha hai 12th may 12am! B*******d ek din pehle hilenge kya airport pe?

me: jaakar us balwant rai ko pakdo.. u bastard.. jiske tukdon pe tum pal rahe ho.. jisne mere bhai ko kidnapp kar rakha hai..jao thodi himmat wahan dikhao..aisa maaroonga inspector ki tumhe apne paida hone par afsos hoga

anish: tujhe toh waise bhi afsos hai tere paida hone pe

me: mujhe chod inspector.. mere jeene ki bus ek hi wajah hai.. balwant rai ki maut..aur mujhe woh paane se tum bhi nahi rok sakte      apni vardi to bech di hai tumne

anish: biwi ko bhi bech de

me: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ||||||||||||||||||| showing my stretched palm

anish: now slap your wife's ass with it

me:  claps  laughs  tum jaante nahi ho inspector.. mere papa aur mera bhai aur meri boy  builder bhen aa rahe hai.. tumhari is jail ko tod kar tumhare land se jhaado maar ke hum chale jaayenge ..tum balwant rai ka l***a chooste rehna laughs again goes hysterical now....inspector is scared and pissing in his pants

anish: inspector shoves builder brothers head into builder papas ass like in hancock  then inspector rapes builder sister like raj babbar does Chyna

me:  inspector falls for the trick.. he fkked up all the imaginary characters and is dead tired now.. he left sunny alone.. and now he will die sunny laughs like he just realized he was amitabhs son and had more money and a better career

anish: then sunny realizes he has bobby or a brother and esha for half brother sunny kills himself and dies for a brother

me:  inspector wakes up from his dream.. he is strapped with Balwant Rai's asshole to his face..balwant rai has raj babbar's left man boob in his mouth..Sunny.. father.. brother.. chyna are all laughing..Balwant Rai Farts

anish: little do they know they are in a dream within a dream..so they wake up and realize that Chyna is sucking sunny's boobs, while dharam's head is pushed into Bobby's hair and bobby is sucking on chyna's cock..inspector, balwant rai and raj babbar sit with smiles on their faces and sip on scotch

me:  suddenly there is a power failure and the graphic presentation created by ajgar jugraal comes to an abrupt end..the trance is over.. the electronic sedation goes for a toss and all are back to normal.. Raj, Balwant and Inspector all realize they are sitting on a merry go round with their bals tied to the ride..Sunny is the operator.. and papa has tied a small stick to the central rotor that hits the balls upon one successful rotation.. Chyna and bobby are waiting with water baloons that have the deol sperm bank in them at every corner..Raj just dropped his raping keychain.. his totem.. which means its real.. the inception is over..

anish: out of nowehere blawant rais kutte come to save the day...Sunny is scared of dogs and dharam is too slow..Bobby cant fight dogs cos his hair might get spoilt..chyna is scared of dogs and runs for her life as she had a bad experience with HHH

balwant rai ke kutte triumph once more

p.s. its ajgar jurrat!

me:  papa goes into flashback and remembers he smacked Gabbars ass out of town along with his kutte..he gets into a fit of rage and takes the kutte to mummy malinis place and gets her to entertain them with her saggy boob dance..in the mean while.. bobby throws in some jelly and some electric wires..chyna flashes and electrocutes the fkk out of the inspector, balwant and raj on the merry go round.. mummy saves the day.. and sunny was humping dimple in the operator booth of the merry go round..

anish: suddenly babu moshai comes and saves dimple from sunny..he then goes into slow mode and fights chyna..though an intense battle, babu moshai wins..he turns his attention to bobby who is scared already..he sets bobby's hair on fire..he then has a threesome with malini and dimple while all the deols are made to watch..balwant rai, inspector and raj babbar laugh..unfortunately after the threesome babu moshai dies because of lymphocircoma
 
me: unfortunatley babu moshai (now referred to as kaka) did all of this while he was masturbating thinking of deepika padukone.. so shit didnt go down well.. however..twinkle came there with her cock eyed vision.. as soon as she entered she got a booty call from papa.. she goes for a bang as akshay hangs to the ceiling for a top view of dimple's galli using his parkour techniques.. he doesnt act till u take his thumbs up...bobby catches kaka jacking off and calls on sunny.. they record a video and send it to the mms market place..kaka becomes the highest viewed video after obamas speeech on osama's death..Chyna bitch slaps twinkle after papa is done with her.. akshay cracks a joke.. makes a paratha and leaves the scene.. Balwant rai, Raj and Inspector are made to see the dance Mummy malini did for the kutte.. they are now crying
anish: ok i give up

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Yeah yeah..he's the Indian guy from Van Wilder and he had a name that epitomizes the 2 things India doesnt have.. the Taj Mahal and Bada whatever whatever..u know what i mean..(i dont know why im refraining from explitives here..i think it is somehow owing to the fact that Mom is visiting)

Now most of you would agree when I say India is not Badalandabad..which literally means the land of big dicks..i mean seriously some of you might have learnt this from your early days in porn that made you lose all hope looking at your tool and comparing it to the shlong the men flaunt in them..some might have learnt it later in their life listening to pseudo canadian Russell Peters.. and some might still be living with an aim to find the magic potion in the Himalayas to make it big..not make it big in life but make IT big..(my condolences)

The interesting part is where none of you understand why we are not the land of the Taj Mahal..i know..i know.. allow me.

So ive spent almost a year in the satellite town of Noida, in the dilapidated almost collapsing state of Utter Pradesh (thats how my dad spelt Uttar in one of his couriers to me..yes he couriers me things)..and ever since ive gotten here people have been making visits to the Taj Mahal and telling me how it is a must see and shit that goes along with such recommendations..numerous persuasive methods have been applied (seduction not part of those) to make me visit that forsaken place with them.. So heres the deal.. i never thought it was a thing to see in the first place..some psycho spent a lot of money and time building a minar or minarets around his wifes tomb..in the process, he losing his head and as the story goes a lot of workmen losing their hands.. why would i spend my money travelling to that place, buy a ticket and stand in the sun to see it.. i mean seriously.. for all you know he might have buried his gay lover there..just saying..just a thought..

Shit so happens that Mom comes down from Bombay visiting us and i have no plans..so Taj seemed like a good viable option to spend one day (fkk yeah it takes that much time)..so i wake up at 5 and start my journey to Agra at around 5:45 only to reach Taj at 9:15 and find that TAJ MAHAL IS SHUT...SHUT...SHUT ..what the fkkk do u mean SHUT..

Its a bloody monument and a national property and a tourist spot that cant be shut on any day..leave alone a Friday.. Sala u treat it like its a bloody passport office and shut it on a day that you please.. Sarkari Daftar hai kya maa ki aankh..and top it off they let you in the parking lot and tell you it is shut and that you can see it from the back..the back is not a back door entry.. it is a garden at the back of the Taj that has a view from across the yamuna.. it is also supposedly the site where the same psycho Mughleazam was to build a black Taj Mahal in his own memory..unfortunately he couldnt coz his son arrested him..Finally better sense prevailed and someone stopped the mad man at wasting his life time of earnings..all right property is still the best bet and he did a good job at creating one that people paid to see.. but what the fkk man.. u cant have 2 of the same just because u want to sit in a window across the taj and see it daily.. bull shit i say..

So it is as it was.. Agra and Taj are still the most over rated places in India..just because we want to get listed somewhere, we dont need to vote it as a wonder of the world.. i guess why they put it on that list every year is because they think it is a wonder to see so many people go and see a pile of marble.

There are times and it is most of the times when i dont exactly know where im headed with my blog posts and i like it that way, because after posting these there is an element of surprise that makes me wanna read it all over again..

How many pairs of shoes must one person own.. how many can one use

Why dont people read whatever they think is worth reading in the newspapers at once.. why do they revisit it again in the same day..

Answers to these questions elude me just like how the Taj and its story..apparently Akbar..a Mughal king walked from Agra to Ajmer barefeet 7 times just to get a child because he couldnt have one with 3 wives..all this because a father and son resided in each of these places as demi gods and they asked him to walk.. how does walking make you potent..

History leaves a lot of questions un-answered and a lot of intelligence challenged..

Moral of the Story.. dont go to Agra..

Till then..

For a world where stray dogs and zebras would be a wonder..

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Over time i have realized that i am a little paranoid..come to think of it would you call a person paranoid if he / she has dreams where they are faced with various situations dangerous and life threatening and they eventually fall out of the dreams with a plan of action..if at all the situation had to arise for real..

Fkkk ..Huston we have another problem!

I think i have a solution for most situations.. ranging from

• An Annaconda in the house
• Burglars in groups of 3 or 4
• Flood
• Fire
• Earthquake
• End of the World
• I.T. Raid
• My Arrest
• Contract Killers knocking on the door
• Road Accident
• Car Fuel
  
• Vampires
  

Okk... now you are seriously thinking I have a problem.. Fkkk u .. I have a plan.. u dont.

I have come to believe that most office spaces are not ready for calamities and disasters.. people can face some serious shit if one hits them..Imagine this.. an office floor with 100 employees served snacks in the evening..shit so happens that the foood had gone bad.. bad i mean really bad..and everyone has a maddd urge to take a shit

There are 4 urinals and 2 shit pots available on a floor for men and Im assuming 3 for the women.. Where the fkkk do u think will all these people take a shit..The immediate defence of this situation is there might be other toilets in the building..but do u think some other office will let you take a crazzy asss shit in their toilets.. the main building premises also have 2 spare toilets..how much good can 4 toilets for 100 people.. The closest place I think we can take a shit is in the dustbins each desk has.. Imagine the number of tissues we will need then..

And then they talk about being paperfoolish..

This is a question to all my environmentalist friends who brag about saving trees, paper and in turn the world and nature in its current state. I say screw you guys.. Firstly i dont have any friends who are environmentalists.. i only have friends who are stuck in their pseudo beliefs that they can save the world.

The problem starts in a place we think the problem has ended..The Toilet.

Quick question:

• How many tissues does it take to wipe your hands after you wash ur hands?
• How many squares of tissues do you use to wipe off your dingleberries?
• How many tissues do you use to wipe the seat of a toilet before you use it? dont fkkkin nod ur head..we know u do that
• How many tissues do you ask for with a single mcdonalds burger and fries combo? How many with a sub?
• How many times do you print a wrong document or try getting a copy right?
• How many times have you taken prints of a reduced slide layout of a presentation?
• How many tissues did you pick up with that slice of bread you toasted and got to your desk at work today?
  

Dont give me shit about the paper being recycled and all that ball sack that comes following it...we seriously have no fkkin clue and we think we are doing the world a favor by donating 1500rs a quarter to greenpeace...(yeah I used to send that money till the card company blocked my card)..if some paper is being recylced some is being used fresh..

Just for the record I use 3 tissues to wipe my hands off..and i dont give a shit because anytime i pay a visit to the washroom, there is already a drum full of these tissues..which brings me to my next point..

Till then

For a world where the Ipad could clean shit up

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Keeping up with the tradition of once in a while posting a chat conversation that made no sense then, but will some years later. Here is another one..unfortunately there is no victim in this one..well if you think Bobby is the victim of fun..the fun has just begun..

So shit happened so that I saw someone with teeth that looked charred and the last time i saw something like this was in Soldier the movie..I shared the link with Anish because he hadnt seen this before..and what follows is a bag load of shit..have fun

• anish: ok i have some questions abt the soldier scene why was the gang on skates?
• aryaditya: they were cool like that.. and jojo was the next generation of the gang like the younger triads
• anish: ok fair enough
• skates pe aaye toh aaye, why did they have to jump on tables and spoil everyones meal?
• aryaditya: because they are goons.. moreover it is a spectator sport and they need audience..even if they came in normally and fought they would end up messing up peoples food..and in the process their colthes..so they came they removed the food from the table got peoples attention and their asses kicked
• anish: just by tapping the knife on the table, how was bobby deol able to cut right through the at elast 2 inch thick table? Also, how did he get around the wrist while doing that?
•  aryaditya: its about the precision of a ninja. a ninja always times his strikes.. there is a defence mechanism in shaolin which is called iron shirt.. which is used to defend against this.. ninjas can propell darts and kill a person after having scaled a wall.. bobby has been trained in all of this.. ninjas are known to conserve their energy and strike when the object is the weakest.. bobby did that by penetrating the table where the wood has a split and this is figured with his concentration penetrating the cloth.. also he hit the wrist where the bone and veins have the biggest gap. its a science..he proved this again in Bichhoo and Chamko..u havent seen his movies i believe
• anish: no i havent . I understand Jojo was wearing skates but how was he bouncing back from solid objects after Bobby hit him, to go right back to Bobby?
• aryaditya: i was hoping you would ask this

• aryaditya: The secret lies in the start of the movie..Bobby's dad gets killed and his mom Rakhee goes into a trance (similar to karan arjun).. boby goes to japan to train as a ninja (not shown in the movie) and when he comes back the murderer has left the country.. unfortunately he went to an erathquake prone country and all furniture and walls are made of flexi board to avoid damage to human life at the occurance of an earthquake.. This flexi board coupled with the force and timing that boby struck with.. JoJo had no option but to keep coming back for more

•  anish: sounds plausibl. Why is Bobby Deol so fucking ugly? Has no one ever told him his hair resemble pubes??
•  aryaditya: Its a sad story..Dharmendra wasnt expecting bobby, instead he was hoping esha would get born then..but shit happens..so he was the neglected son and didnt get any money for grooming. which is why we dont see any bobby before barsat (that was his debut movie)..at any movie premiers or interviews or parties.. Bobby had to get everything done by himself and picked up whatever he could from the magazines and tv he could get his hands on.. at one point in time sunny lost his charm and dharam wasnt making any money so they thought of making use of the son they never wanted..gave him a movie and thought they would make money and laugh at the guy and his hair.. unfortunately bobby clicked and sunny sucked...sunny went to the gym again and made a comeback with action movies like ziddi.. bobby was doomed.. but thats how life is.. Dharam is now confused and treats esha like the son he had planned when she was born.. (her debut movie she looked like dharam in skirts..she debuted with Sanjay Kapoor.. Soch.. intelligent movie)

 Till then...

For a world where facts were fiction

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Im not sure of the percentages here but there are some who know where this line is from, some are still reading and some have no clue at all. So before we get down to work [work here would be what ive come to do} lets have a little Bollywood 101. Any time you hear any of these lines, you need to know the movie.

• Holi kab hai..kab hai Holi
• Sholay
• Teja mai hoon..mark idhar hai
• Andaz Apna Apna
• Maaf...Muhahhaa... mai tujhe saaf kar doonga
• Golmaal

<< There was text above that opened and closed with a different bracket..it was to add color to the post. The Call Me bit made it sound like an escort service classified.. fkkk that shit >>

My earliest memories of holi are somewhat skewed. I used to be shit scared of the fkkers roaming around with color on their faces like they are from a different planet. The most I could deal with was water balloons and be scared that if at all i did throw one on a color maniac I would get nailed. The fear was almost like that of a school exam result or may be worse. I guess it would compare to the feeling you might have when some one with a poisoned dart shooting at you. I havent seen my dad play holi ever so i thought it was something that bad men did. One holi-day these full grown adult married men were all holi-ing around and they decided they have to take my dad down with them. We were all watching them from our window when 2 of them decided to climb the building wall and get into our house...(lesson learnt..dont buy a house on the first floor.. i just realized those 2 men were really athletic and they could rob a first floor apartment easily) I almost shat in my pants and i knew i did for sure. I started running around like a mad fkk who just realized how the world will end..i dont know what happened after that coz i think i made a dash for the bathroom.

Growing up a little more, the festivities in our apartment complex went down and the show was moreso along the streets. Unfortunately for me our windows and balconies opened up to the inside of the complex. Fkkk that shit..My sis had a school class mate who had a balcony open facing the road.. that was the shitt because she stayed on a higher floor and had a good vantage point..shittt also happened so that her house was a little too far from the street to be able to throw a balloon off it..nonetheless it was a good place to see the action from...The sight i best liked was when a group of people would catch hold of a single person and color him like they were about to sacrifice him...so we did our usual.. fill up buckets of water balloons and stood there in the balcony like a bunch of loser kids and throw them hoping to hit a passing group of colored chipmunks..fkk knows how these balloons usually landed on the cars and and the security guards..

I remember this one holi when we were as usual at my sisters friends place..and her dad pulled the back of my shorts, put a water balloon in them and burst it there.. I had wet shorts allright.. but what were you thinking..im not sure if that sounds like a fantasy for an older man and if it qualifies as childhood abuse.. but if it does..i still have it at the back of my head...beat that shit I tried doing the same to him too..what does that make me..

The years there on saw me graduate from a spectator to a player..then came in chemical paints..detergent..fabric paint..ecofriendly..back to dirty..silver..gold..foil..industrial dyes..and a whole lot of shit.. running back to plain old red..

So i always wanted to be like these hooligans..colored..scaring kids..not scared of colors (like it would help me face aliens or exams better)..and it did turn out that way.. holi these days is anything that includes a lot of drinking, bhaang ke pakode, music, color, muck, eggs, torn shirts, jalebi, vadapav..and shit like that..

Till then..

For a world with 4 holis a year... (highly optimistic)

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What is the difference between Procrastination and Castration?

Fkk knows..and I dont even give a fkk for what this difference is because Im not here to talk about shit. I just thought ill throw something at you to think about.. its a retarded thought but it is true to some extent. {note to self..why the fkk are u still talkin about it}..

Don't you find it weird that people, moreso remote acquaintances tell you that you are losing weight at exactly the moment when you are at the peak of sulking from realizing that you are fkkking gaining weight. (not all of you will know this feeling, but yeah if you have been gaining weight or if you are a chic, you know what shit im talking about)

I have a firm belief that on most occasions these stray passing fillers used by people you have tried to not meet for the last month or so ( fkk they had to show up) are so used because they wish to hear something good about their waistline too..I usually dont give a fkk about responding appropriately to this huge ball sack that people throw at me.. except for when their timing is perfect...like the time when they might have spent a fortune on a gym membership, run a few miles over a month, bought a lose tee shirt and now feel slim because they had a motha fkkin apple for breakfast and some yogurt for lunch..

My reply.. I dont think ive lost weight..stand smile..u havent either.. Muahaha.. sorry to break ur dream Cinderella..but that million that u spent doing everything else didnt help.. Which is why i didnt do any of that and saved myself all that money.. Perfection comes from Experience and Experience comes from Bad Decisions... heard this in some movie..and yeah i dont care to give credits here... Sue me...Ive had my share of gym memberships.. apples.. sprouts..salads..no chocolates.. and treat days.. its a bag full of shit..and like shit. it doesnt work.

I have my own theory to why I think i gain weight..Its all about Metabolism.. thats the key here..I read a shit load about it in biology class in school and college... but it only made sense now because I found out some new shit about metabolism and how it works on us...

Did You Know that re-growth of nails and hair and skin is a resultant of Metabolism?? Bull Fkkin Shitt.. no wonder..allright you dont know why im so ecstatic..heres the deal.. I have always been injured the most as a kid and growing up... always had the most number of bruised knees and elbows and chins..even though this was because of my misplaced center of gravity..I have been biting the nails of my fingers for the longest time I can remember..(just for the record I have also had phases where I ate whole pencils, wood and lead, plastic, paper and cloth..which also adds to the un-digested deposits around the inner lining of my stomach and intestines..) dont get back to the shit place in your head from where you digg the grave of that word Stress and get it out in action.. No i dont have that shit on me.. and i just like biting my nails.. I like the feeling of skin on my finger tips with no nails....I have always been fascinated with bald bad men... russian mafia..prison movies and predator.. all these made me think i would look cool with the bald head and so i make it a point to shave my head every 3 months..

I gain weight because my metabolism gets used up trying to :

• Heal my bruises (in the early years of my life)
• Grow my nails (daily)
• Grow hair

Now there is only so much metabolism one can produce and if it all gets fkkkin used up tryin to do things im anyways going to bring back to ground zero.. when will my body digest the food right and throw it to the right places..

Conclusion: Stop biting nails, keep long hair and dont get injured to lose weight. Thats my plan for the year. What are you doing this year.

Till then..

For a world I dont care about..

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I have been thinking.. what works better, a lighter or a matchbox. Its a fkked up thought, but its worth the time and the money spent on it. I know you are thinking (that is if you are reading this.. fkkk i hope u are, whoever you are) this is not something you would waste time on and if I have..something is messed up. Well guess what. I dont give a rats arse for what you think. You read what I think. I have total control over you. You shall do what I say..

Coming back to the lighter v/s matchbox fight, lets get some facts straight.

• A lighter costs Rs.20 in the market (if you buy a zippo you can easily print this post on a paper, roll it and shove it.. u know where)
  • A matchbox costs Rs. 1
• A matchbox has 50 matchsticks (im discounting the fact that there are a few retarded sticks in the pack)
  • A lighter has around 20 ml of fuel in it
• Going by the above average count, I would assume you can light 50 cigarettes with a matchbox (this doesnt apply to dimwits who cant light one cig with one match)
  • A lighter (strictly by the average that I have accounted for with my experiences) lights up around 140 cigarettes (7 packs)
• So far the lighter is winning but here is where it changes a little
  • Even if I have to take 3 match boxes to make up for the number of cigarettes one lighter lit, I spent just Rs.3
  • If I have to save money and refil the lighter thats Rs.5 more
  • maa ki aankh yeh kya ho raha hai
  • Thank you for reading and wasting your time I will still use a lighter
• This is an effort to take donations and recover the money i wasted on the cigarette packs trying to figure out the best available light option

I believe I have understood the entire Writers Block Syndrome. Its like stress, you dont know what it is, how it happens and if it has happened to you. But some person will probably use the word freely in describing a headache, stomach ache, pregnancy, carpal tunnel, bad bowel movements or any form of shit that happens to you. This person might not be a shrink but he will try to sound like one with some intellectual masturbation.

Intellectual masturbation starts with the first few words someone throws at the listener. If it sounds profound he goes with the flow and results in a shit fest that has words he/she learnt in a GRE / GMAT class using flash cards, but unfortunately couldnt make it to the course; and is now somehow trying to use those. Intellectual masturbation is a result of a persons morale being down, as a result making him a listener by virtue of his brain being retarded. The speaker here is an opportunistic dick sucker who thinks he/she has the trait to speak and make sense even while swimming. It ends up making the listener suicidal and the speaker wanna grab a drink and write something on the CV.

The Writers Block on the other hand is the result of your deviation from usual. Usual for you would be a pattern that you see in rhythm when you make posts. You post when there is a good thing to say, a good thing that happened, a new buy, a new link to share, a new experience in life, or just a fkking hour at hand (that would be me). Habituated to the pattern we feel retarded making a post, after we didnt make a post that should have been a post according to the pattern. Breaking the pattern is like not pressing the button in LOST, and you dont like it. You dont do it once and you live without it and then you realize it wasnt really so important.

Maaa ka jaat.. life waste hai tera..

Nonetheless,I think we have enough to read and write.

Till Then..

For a world that is devoid of pseudo syndrome

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I havent really asked anyone before I clicked their pictures.. ever.. period.. but suddenly out of no where I had this feeling that I should ask..alleast strangers on the road or in weird places that i pick my pictures from.

So it goes like this...Sunday was a good Sunday, especially because I slept off at 9 and had a good 12 hours sleep hoping to wake up as fresh as a fiddle to get back to work on Monday... but like ive seen.. its not always as I plan.. well .. its never as I plan..

I did sleep for 12 hours..but what happens after I wake up was not the plan..I guess you all would have felt this at some point in time..if you sleep too much, you wanna sleep more..and thats exactly how it was..and to facilitate the same I took the day off...fkk yeah I did take Monday off..what better way to avoid Monday Morning Blues..

Now i didnt quite have a plan to spend the day and by the time my friends left for work, i didnt feel like staying back anymore and was thinking if the decision was not the right one. Nonetheless.. I walked out into the streets looking for something to do and some errands to run.. and as usual life was dull till I came across Panditji.. yeah ur looking at him in the pictures..

So this guy was having a good time singing to himself and cleaning up his ride..I found the text somehow catchy.. Pandit Coach..Anus Ka.. literal translation would be Pandit is an Anus Coach.. how cool is that

Well not exactly..but all Hindi speaking people would know he knew someone, chic, lady, daughter, sister or someone whose name was AnusHka and he dangerously missed on the 'H'..more so coz of his dialect.. I was really in for taking a snap of this, but I thought would be weird if I clicked and posted and didnt ask him if I could do it..

So I did.. Here is how the conversation shaped up: (translated to english..i dont know why)

Me: Can I take a picture of you and your rick
Pandit: Why?
Pandit: Are you from the Media? (almost getting ready for the shot, just in case I took an impromptu one)
Me: Im not from the Media.. Im just new to the city (daaiimmm i lied.. and how does being new to the city justify me taking his picture)
Pandit: Should I finish cleaning up my ride or do you wanna take it just like that { now hes tucking his shirt and shit.. so i know hes up for it}
Me: Lets click one and see how it comes through (clicked)
Pandit: This is good
Pandit : Come sit in my rick. I have nothing to do. lets chat
Me: Cool. This is good shit
Me: So now that you are a Pandit, you would have been to the Ram Leela for Dashera
Pandit: Yes I had..
Pandit: Infact I dont know if you already know this, but Ravan was from here
Me: Here as in. Noida or UP
Pandit: Noidaa.. thats where he was from .. there is a small village some 12 Km from Noida and he was there..they have a temple for Ravan apparently there
Me: Whatttt.. (almost had a smile on my face..Decided its time to leave)

So i went home and did some research and Ravan wasnt born in Noida..or Uttar Pradesh.. but so much for the insight and time given to me by Pandit..Coach..

Till then..

For a world where people could be mapped to their birth places like IP addresses

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Godwin's mom had come in for a month and we have had a few dinner sessions at his place.. with biryani and ice creams among other things.. It was now time for her to had back home and accordingly a good bye dinner..

So now that none of us cook or cook as well as she can.. so it was decided well hit the Mall..

Parikshith, Anish and me reached early...have no clue why {parikshith is the guy with the short crop.. id like to keep it that way and not talk too much about the vegetation..Anish is Anish.. hes wearing his tee.. so it aint too hard to find him.. }

So we decided to start off with some MoMos and Fruit Beer.. no its not a beer variant we drink usually, but they had an offer ..sorry to say the MoMos were not well done and I didnt try the fruit beer...btw..MoMos are the favorite munchie around here in Noida and NCR..only second to the Parathas..have no clue why.. but the north east influence is huge here...weird..MoMos helped me live when I had the Gall Bladder stone.. they are boiled and have meat.. so I could feast on them..

Sahil decided to eat south indian.. and we hit this place Kaustubh.. anyone with that name and reading this doesnt need to feel proud about it.. because this place was a total rip off for any Udipi or south indian eatery in India.. One Hundred Fkkin Fourty rupees for a Dosa.. 75 for steam rice.. what are u selling.. have u lost it..

nonetheless they didnt have much left in the kitchen..{yeah places in Noida are shut at 11.. and are almost in no mood to serve by 10:30..sucks}..so we had a good excuse to walk out..

Next door was Nirula's which is like the McDonalds of NCR..the most popular indian chain ive seen in the NCR..people just love them..and they too were almost retiring..

Luckily we had Street Foods of India who were glad to have us there and entertain our pallets..the order is as below:

Murag Malai Tikka -- The Chicken was pulled out of the Tandoor way too early.. and the marination hadnt seeped through the meat

Meat Platter -- The starters were good. Best was the Seekh Kebab and the Galouti Kebab.. obviously they were least in number

Kadai Chicken -- Id have it again.. it had a good after taste to it with a good creamy gravy for the chicken

Mutton Rogan Josh -- The best thing on our table..and it got over before we knew it had arrived

Paneer Kadai -- Yeah we had a vegetarian with us

Dal Makhani -- we had some Rotis left with us and like i said the meat was over soon

It was a good night all along..with good laughs and good food.. {daaiimmm i need to get back to bitching .. cant take too much of good ball talks}

Finished the Night off with The Angrez..the quintessential Hyderabadi essence captured in a movie.. must watch..especially if u know a hyderabadi

Till Then..

For a world where restaurants paid you to have their food

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Not too much thought went into it and we headed to the Oriental Octopus..we have been wanting to try this place for sometime now..Golden Fried Prawns were like Aloo ka Bhajiya.. with a mother load of batter around the chottu prawns..One portion of the prawns had enough oil to finish a kerala ayurvedic massage for me..nonetheless.. the sauce with it was the saving grace..I couldnt get you the whole prawns picture coz we were too busy eating them.. I got you the tail and the sauce though..

Our Steward thought he shouldnt help us decide what we should eat coz he thought we knew our food..Dont know what made him think that way.. seriously take a look at us.. Nonetheless he repeated what we had ordered..Korean Mished Grill (was supposed to be Mixed)..Tipple Fried Onion Lamb..(u guessed it.. Tripple).. Prawns Rice and Pad Thai Noodles.. was a good spread overall..

Ekroohi took the path less travelled and started with chopstics and was more or less sucessfully.. I seriously think she has been practising all this time..

The Korean Mized Grill was kinda bland with the sauces settled on the serving dish..the fish and prawns vanished like mad as they were cooked best.. chicken was also not that bad after the prawns and fish had gone..

The Tripple Fried Onion Lamb was not too good.. if that was the least I could say.. it tasted more like burnt fries.. with fried onions. enough said

The Prawns Fried Rice had more egg than prawns..but Anish and me managed to get quite a lot for ourselves and the others doubted if it was prawns rice.. Daaiiimmm..

The best thing on the table was the Pad Thai Noodles..not a big fan of peanuts..but I did like this one..

Im not a food critic but im a guy who was planning butter chicken and went for oriental food instead.. so u can imagine what i felt like.. i was surprised to see that I was full by the end of it.. had to cann desserts..

So much for a good night..

Till then..

For a world where every one grew twice as old every year..

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